|Katie, Me, and Jessica (my other best friend) at my bridal shower.|
So this is what it's like to lose someone you love deeply.
It's not what I expected. When things were still uncertain with Katie, different scenarios ran through my mind. My brain has always tried to "plan" for multiple possibilities with the various situations I've faced, and this time was no different. I knew that God could choose to give her the ultimate healing by bringing her home to be with Him, and I thought I knew how I would respond if He did. Surely it would be the response most people have: intense pain, fear, anger (mostly at God), a need to blame someone or something, a lack of control, and feeling overwhelmed by it all. Yet that isn't at all what I experienced. Yes, there was intense pain and I felt helpless to change the situation. But there was also peace, and hope, and rejoicing.
What amazes me most is the way God is using this whole thing. Even before Katie breathed her last on this earth, I saw Him moving in the midst of our troubles. It's as if the black sky of that whole week suddenly exploded with His powerful light, and people who rarely - if ever - thought about Jesus are now having to take a good, hard look at their lives and decide how they are going to respond to Him. It's what Katie would have wanted, and it's what she lived for. If she could have known what would happen to her, and see that Christ would be so greatly glorified, she would have willingly died for that purpose. I can't see all the things that will happen as a result of this situation, but I know God is going to change lives - including mine. I already feel like a completely different person from who I was two weeks ago.
Strangely enough, I don't feel like I lost someone. It doesn't feel like Katie has died as much as it feels like she has come alive, as if she is living and breathing for the first time.`
"For now we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I will know fully, as I am fully known." -1 Corinthians 13:12